The apartment is quiet. A silence that is uncomfortable. Cloudy. Again. It looks cold, glancing through the cracks of the shade. Hazy and dull, cold and damp, another bleary Sunday. The comforter is off to the left side of the bed. It’s time to wake. Not yet, please. Thumping anxiety.
I worry that the worry won’t stop.
Startled. Kind of nervous. Why? Nothing different. Yet, something is different. A new feeling. New, but familiar. Climbing from the bed, stumbling towards the nightlight. The one that bleeds a soft, warm light through the corner of the room. I decide between the candle and the coffee. Start with the candle today. Try to shift the feeling. Fall into the routine. Please?
Flashing thoughts bring his comment of last night to mind. He’s so spot on. How does he know? God, it’s that obvious from the outside? Inside the forest, the trees are too much.
Change again, phoenix rising
Beast or man, devil or angel
Pain or pleasure, there is no difference
Dopamine spike, either will do
Looking for relief in all the wrong places. Addiction, pulling me, dragging me, tightening tentacles. And in that battle, I find light. Love, gratefulness, and a reason to keep moving forward. What’s your excuse?
Wrapping sorrow, binding love. Yin-yang, pulling at the heart. Closing my eyes and the light will appear, shrouded in haze, but there nonetheless. I can take another step.